what we do to get by

The other day my case worker asked me what my goals with my therapist are.

The truth is, we don't have goals that the larger system would like me to have, such as eat, restore weight, stop or reduce cutting, improve depression. Because we both know that is not how therapy works. It's about long term progress and growth; not instant or even visible change some of the time. A lot of it goes on inside, small shifts in thinking or for me, the new ability, after all the years in therapy, to be able to actually talk.

My therapist believes that me having my garden is very important. He thinks that for me, who struggles with severe depression and PTSD, among other things, the small moments of joy and contentment and laughter are crucial. He knows that my ultimate goal is to die, in fact. But in my time left, he would like me to be able to have moments of peace, even if fleeting, in the little things: sunshine, a good cup of coffee, connection with others. A big part of our work is in connection and not being alone with myself like I was for so long .

I am not in search of happiness. Happiness is fleeting like every other emotion and I don't believe it is attainable for me. I don't think the brokenness and emptiness will ever truly leave me, I may never heal. But what I can work on is finding ways to make some moments of the day feel good or worthwhile. That's all I hope for and I work towards it most days. My daily routines keep me busy in the long hours of every day I struggle to get through. I don't think it's too much to ask to be able to rest sometimes. I think we should all have that.



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