breaking point

I worry I will wear people thin like paper dolls crumbling beneath the weight of me.

I am an empty hole, always needing something, someone, anything. I try to fill it with people but they always disappoint me or end up abandoning me without explanation. So instead I fill it with slicing my skin, making a deep void I can physically see. Or fill the emptiness with literal emptiness, the lack of nutrition.

I feel that I am a burden, a baby never fully developed. I rely on others for me to know that I exist to myself. I am revolving hospital doors constantly for the last 16 years. People see me over and over again, on repeat, the same story and wreck of a girl. Everyone gets sick of me being sick in the end. They invest energy, see no progress just worsening harm, and they become hurt and take it personally, walking away from me. This happens over and over 

My psychiatrist Dr. V is a miracle. He lets me Be. He sits with my sadness silently so I'm not alone with it. Sometimes we battle but he never leaves in anger. He can handle me and he makes me feel sometimes that I am not overwhelming. He believes that dying is my own choice.

I have no concrete goals in therapy like "stop cutting" or "eat more." Our work is about trust and connection and maybe a bit of pain healing, the burden on me less, shared.

Still I feel I will wear him down eventually because everyone I've worked with ever has had a breaking point. How much can one person take and just watch me destroy myself over and over? Maybe I really am Too Much.


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