journey not recovery

In my previous post on object permanence ( object permanence or lack thereof ),  I discussed how impossible it felt for me to "hold onto" others; to grasp their image in my mind, to continue to feel a relationship, connection, and even realize their and my own existence. Out of my sight I could barely seem to clutch anything solid to tell me the other person was still there. I could not internalize them. Quick Note Piaget put forth the theory that children obtain "object permanence" at around the age of 4-7 months. At this stage children are able to learn that objects continue to exist even when not in view. The psychoanalyst Lacan said that between 6-18 mo the infant becomes able to recognize themselves as a separate entity, to be able to see themselves and hold onto a self-image. I couldn't grip this myself, the mirror was not provided well enough. This means drifting in the void, darkness around you. Reaching out in all directions can you see me am I here?  A...

I've been hospitalized more times than years than I've been alive and many of those times were because I tried to die. Popped pills and frantic forearm artery spurts, and atrocities against myself I can't speak of in detail. But I have yet to have forgiven my survival, the sense of failure upon waking upnin Intensive care units, or the taste of choked- down charcoal on my cracked lips. The crushing disappointment of failing at the one thing I thought I was good at: dying. I am a suicide survivor in both my own attempt at taking my life and of my little sister's hanging in the basement. I understand the ramifications of suicide. But I also understand the desire. And I am not one of those who die to escape the pain while wishing they could love, not completely. I genuinely most of the time seek death itself. imagine getting high snorting suicide off the slit veins of your wrists. I keep running closer to the edge. Sometimes it feels as though I live for dying...

The other day my case worker asked me what my goals with my therapist are. The truth is, we don't have goals that the larger system would like me to have, such as eat, restore weight, stop or reduce cutting, improve depression. Because we both know that is not how therapy works. It's about long term progress and growth; not instant or even visible change some of the time. A lot of it goes on inside, small shifts in thinking or for me, the new ability, after all the years in therapy, to be able to actually talk. My therapist believes that me having my garden is very important. He thinks that for me, who struggles with severe depression and PTSD, among other things, the small moments of joy and contentment and laughter are crucial. He knows that my ultimate goal is to die, in fact. But in my time left, he would like me to be able to have moments of peace, even if fleeting, in the little things: sunshine, a good cup of coffee, connection with others. A big part of our work...