I Did Not Choose Her

Hospital roommates, unlikely pairs thrown together, laying across from one another. "I did not choose him/he did not choose me/we have no chance/of recovering/sharing hospital joy/and misery" (Hospital Beds- Cold War Kids). 

I have had so many roommates throughout the years that I can deal with almost anything, including the day and night rumbling snorer, the late-night eater with crinkling chip bags, the girl who read my diary. There were women who struggled as much as I did, like when I woke up to my roommate choking out my name, a pillow case tied around her neck. The older woman I told stories to, read picture books, who wailed when staff talked to her.

I have also found friends and saviors.

Michele, sitting beneath the Christmas tree crying in the Eating Disorder unit group room, named me Punk. She was spunky, sneaking Splenda packs slipped into her sweatshirt for us. Flipping the nurses off behind their backs to make me laugh. Crocheting us scarves, Mother to us all.

Kerry and I could always be found sprawled out on the bedroom floor playing banagrams or doing art. Kerry in her Eeyore pajamas and I wrapped in my always present Hello Kitty blanket. We were always cold those days. The days she would sob and curl up with a weighted blanket, the struggles we shared together of abandonment and everyone losing hope in us like we were waking obituaries.

I remember Suzanne in the state hospital, screaming day and night, "She's dying in the backyard! In the basement!" She accumulated plastic coffee cups beside her bed. I counted fourteen before they were magically removed, only to begin to be lined up once again.

Jessica of course is my psych ward sister, scars and tattoos like me, sharp-tongued and sometimes psychotic. My bad ass bitch best friend, we spit stories of blood and disaster, take turns visiting each other in hospitals, and support each other no matter what.

I have met so many people set in my path like life preservers, exactly when I need them. They play big or minor roles, sometimes just one interaction, but it's as if they are placed there on purpose. There are too many to list here. I am grateful to them all, and my mind finds them still.

https://youtu.be/OXMRE_zcWp8