Speechless

I used to not talk. I had the ability to speak but I lacked the words and the belief that nothing I had to say mattered or was worth being listened to.

When I started therapy i sat mostly silent for whole sessions. When I was questioned about things I became so afraid of my reality, what I thought was real, being shattered in the light. I would skip sessions or else leave there feeling physically ill and going straight to bed in a darkened room, often missing classes.

It's taken many therapists and a lot of years to learn to find words for things instead of acting them out. My therapist now tells me "Everything is important." I am learning that I have things worth saying that matter and deserve to be heard and listened to .

However, I have yet to truly address my trauma. I was always an emergency, constantly, and not able to be safe, so talking about topics in depth was not really an option. Though I still react strongly to things and put myself in jeopardy, there is now a bit more space to delve into my trauma a little. But I fear the words, the pictures words create, the solid words of what happened. I feel like a child, wordless and stumbling, going blank, drifting off, or choking up when things get too intense.

My words are learning to walk on crutches. They fall out trembling or get caught in my thoat. It is the Unsayable that keeps me trapped in myself, alone. I long for the day when I can speak freely and openly, staying in the present. The day when I will walk though the past with someone, protected, with a strong voice and words. When we will unravel it and put it all  and myself together, whole.