when is enough enough?
What does recovery mean for me?
I am no longer living in the hospital but I'm sent there every few months. Enough that my life is constantly interrupted and it's hard to plan for anything.
I'm not still 80 lbs but I am working to starve myself to death.
My limbs are forever altered by disfiguring scars and I get comments and states wherever I go.
I am working hard in therapy but I am tormented still by my trauma.
I imagine recovery to be a kind of healing. A disinterest in dying and wanting to live. My favorite thing is self-destruction. How do I ever give that up when it is such a huge part of me and how I have been able to survive this long? Who am I without it?
I am not happy where I am but why do I not wish for better? I guess I don't think I deserve it. I have a loyalty to suffering. It seems noble to me, it seems justified, it keeps things under control.
I think to recover you have to be more sick and tired of being sick and tired than afraid of change. I am not there yet. I'm not afraid yet, nothing has ever made me afraid enough, no close call suicide attempts or back ward sectioning, no loss of freedom greater than my determination to destruct. I am at a loss as to what it will take.
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