round peg in a square hole

One of the many challenges of having both a severe eating disorder and mental illness is that nowhere seems equipped to deal with all of me. When I'm in treatment at an eating disorder unit there is little to no support for my PTSD, depresssion, or BPD issues. I often get placed in strictly psychiatric wards to deal with my dangerous levels of self-harm and suicidalityehile my lakv of eating goes barely dealt with.

When I was put in Tewksbury State Hospital it was for the above SI reasons but I was also dealing with the constant starvation and weight loss that comes from having anorexia. It was easy for me to keep it quiet and let my cutting and scars overshadow everything else. That's what using gets the most attention for imminent risk and it can be frustrating. My disorder is often complicit in allowing this to happen in order to avoid the refeeding and weight gain process that comes from eating disorder treatment.

I have never received complete treatment that encompasses all of my struggles and I believe that is true for many of us who have comorbid diagnoses. Only one is focused on at a time; either professionals believe your mind has to be nourished in order to work on other mental health problems, or basic safety is so at risk that refeeding comes second.

It's difficult for me to imagine what recovery is for me. Most often I think about what will most keep people off my back. Claiming to be "safe," whether I really am or not, is usually enough to do so. It's hard to know what is really the biggest risk and why do I have to have them chosen between? This is a serious lack within the mental health system. I haven't quite found a balance, but while I'm not feeling ready to face my ED head-on, I mostly use the hospital as a place to keep me basically physically safe and to help ground me. I haven't found a perfect solution and it seems like disorders can feed into each other.


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