object permanence or lack thereof

All of my life I have struggled with something as basic as object permenance that toddlers learn; that people and things continue to exist when out of sight.

When I was in long term care it was at the point where I would be in the same room with someone and have to ask, crying, if they were still there. If my doctor, when behind the desk and out of sight, still existed. My nurse would tuck me in at night and leave, returning the morning, and it was as if I would never see her again. And when I was alone it felt as though I had stopped existing because there was no one there to reflect me back.

This was crippling to me. I never learned to internalize the presence of others. I lived in fear, I could not be alone without feeling as if I and everyone I loved stopped being when I couldn't see them.

This is absolute agony. My first experience of being mirrored back happened with my therapist Jason. He would look at me and I could see myself in his eyes. It was terrifying at first, almost worse than being invisible. It was painful to Become, to be Real. But I longed for it.

I would sit in Jason's office,the neon green walls surrounding us. He would never let me disappear. I would look up and he would be holding me there, his eyes like two life preservers.

We went through so much. The bleeding out in his office bathroom, the late night texts and bleeding on his couch. He promised to walk to the edge with me, to be there to the end.

But he dropped me. He stopped responding to my phone calls after hospitalizing me for the last time. After months of not hearing from him he ended with me in a single email after years of trusting him. I pushed him to the limit. He told me I reminded him of his patient who killed herself and once again I was abandoned 

But I was abandoned ultimately when he took his own life 2 years ago. I never knew anything was wrong. I have so many questions, I have so much pain that will forever remain unresolved. I remember him today wondering how I am still here and not him.

It has gotten somewhat easier to hold onto people when out of sight but still I question how Here I really am, and where people go when I can no longer see them.