Part II: Object permanence, or lack thereof
I discussed how impossible it felt for me to "hold onto" others; to grasp their image in my mind, to continue to feel a relationship, connection, and even realize their and my own existence. Out of my sight I could barely seem to clutch anything solid to tell me the other person was still there. I could not internalize them.
Quick Note
Piaget put forth the theory that children obtain "object permanence" at around the age of 4-7 months. At this stage children are able to learn that objects continue to exist even when not in view. The psychoanalyst Lacan said that between 6-18 mo the infant becomes able to recognize themselves as a separate entity, to be able to see themselves and hold onto a self-image.
I couldn't grip this myself, the mirror was not provided well enough.
This means drifting in the void, darkness around you. Reaching out in all directions can you see me am I here? A kind of ego-death, melting without the sunshine eyes of someone else on you, illuminating your solid presence. Why do others have the power to do what you cannot, what standing in front of reflective glass does not bring you?
That hospital evening, side-eyed in front of a full length mirror with your psychiatrist, and he asks what you see but you don't see yourself still. Instead you see him seeing you and maybe that is a start, maybe it is somewhere to begin through the looking glass of his looking eyes. I am somewhere there. Therefore I am?
For as desperate as you are to cling to these reflective people you try equally as hard to get them to abdon you like Everyone Else. They all were pushed to the limit relentlessly and they all gave up and walked away. And then you are devastated once again. Is this what you really wanted, you wondered?
But it's been 6 years that my therapist in the mirror with me has stayed by me. Longer than anyone else and putting up with probably more than anyone else. The desperate texts and emails. Are you still here? Have you forgotten me? have become less. The writing in my own blood. Sometimes there are tears before weekends or even between one session and another the next day (I see him 4 days a week for analysis).
I never thought I would ever be able to begin to see myself and know myself in others and clutch a sometimes connection, even if it begins to fade. At least I know it can be, that the void will not always swallow me whole, my lack of solid existence not something that will weigh too much to walk through. I hope. Even when I am invisible like I so often feel maybe I am not all the way alone always.
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