journey not recovery

In my previous post on object permanence ( object permanence or lack thereof ),  I discussed how impossible it felt for me to "hold onto" others; to grasp their image in my mind, to continue to feel a relationship, connection, and even realize their and my own existence. Out of my sight I could barely seem to clutch anything solid to tell me the other person was still there. I could not internalize them. Quick Note Piaget put forth the theory that children obtain "object permanence" at around the age of 4-7 months. At this stage children are able to learn that objects continue to exist even when not in view. The psychoanalyst Lacan said that between 6-18 mo the infant becomes able to recognize themselves as a separate entity, to be able to see themselves and hold onto a self-image. I couldn't grip this myself, the mirror was not provided well enough. This means drifting in the void, darkness around you. Reaching out in all directions can you see me am I here?  A

Talking about cutting today in therapy, and guiltily comparing someone else's surface scratching to what I view as like, "successful,"  more extreme cutting for me, made me think of the ways that I kind of romanticize self-harm. Only for myself though. I don't wish others to harm themselves. At times I view self-destruction and damage as an almost beautiful thing. I describe gaping gashes and streaming blood in romantic words in my head, with infatuation, calling up the magical feeling of release and relief. I think of it as something special and perfect. Intimate. I daydream about different ways to cause more severe physical harm, like the times I decided to burn my arm with a metal knife heated against the stove, and pressed it, scorching my skin. That was an achievement in my world. Something I feel like I should do again, that I've been slacking. I need to push further to feel the euphoria and fulfillment. Danger is in my body. It feels so inticing. It calls t